You can’t always get what you want

But if you try sometimes, you just might find

You get what you need.

If you have a teenager in the house, they have probably learned this lesson long before the college application process. As you grow older (and hopefully wiser) you experience this reality in life and come to realize that those forks in the road often mean greater opportunities for growth and adventure. Your teen, however, might not be as open to this philosophy, especially when it comes to their college choices.

Here’s the good news, however. I have 5 very GOOD and LOGICAL reasons to take a another look at your 2nd choice colleges:

1. Everything happens for a reason–How many times have we all said this to our children? There could be a dozen reasons why their 1st choice college didn’t offer them admission or enough financial aid to attend. Admissions counselors tell us that each application is a subjective process and they can’t admit everyone. While it might seem like a rejection to your teen, in reality it’s their decision that your student might not be a good fit for their college. Take that as a cue to move on and find the college that feels they ARE a perfect fit!
2. In the light of day everything seems different–College choices are often made based on peer pressure, parent pressure and status. After all the hype and stress of applying, it’s easier to sit down and look at the choices your student made in a more objective light. The pressure of applying is now gone and all you need to do is thoughtfully evaluate those colleges that have offered admission. The ball is now in your court–you get to decide!
3. A closer look might reveal a hidden gem–Take some time and diligently investigate the colleges further down on the list that have offered acceptance. Compare offers, visit their campuses again, talk to current students and be open to discovery. You never know what you might unearth in the process.
4. Those other colleges on your list are more than sloppy seconds–Your 2nd and 3rd choice college made the list for a reason. Don’t look at them as sloppy seconds, but realize that they could have been your 1st choice all along. How many of us have passed over life choices, only to realize later that we discounted their value and missed out on amazing opportunities.
5. What you NEED is always better than what you WANT–It’s true. We often want things that aren’t always the best for us. We teach our kids to pursue needs before wants; the same can be true for the college choices. Your teen may want an Ivy League logo on their vehicle, but what they need might be a small private university with smaller classes and individual attention.

Parenting a college-bound teen means you will be facing disappointment throughout the college admissions process. Use those opportunities to teach some life lessons that your student can take with them to college. If they learn these lessons before they leave home, college will be a much more enjoyable experience.

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For 5 reasons why your 2nd choice college might be your BEST choice, visit my colleague Wendy David-Gaines’ blog (POCSMom). Wendy was a (POCSmom) Parent of a College Student and was once a pre-POCSmom as well. She likes to help parents de-stress during the college process and has written a book of stories and anecdotes to help parents see the lighter side of college. You can also subscribe to her FREE monthly newsletter for some great POCSmom tips

What did I LOVE about Nancy’s book? She allowed the reader to go inside her own college admissions process with her son and experience all the trepidation and angst that goes along with it. She adds humor by describing parent archetypes so you can avoid those types of behaviors during the process. Her ”5 Tips” sprinkled throughout the book simplify each step in the process and her “Top Tips” from college experts put you inside the heads of those who are “in the know” about college admissions.

Quite honestly, every page of her book had me laughing and saying, “Man oh man, do I remember that statement coming out of my daughter’s mouth!” Then Nancy helps you put it all into perspective and get you to the other side of the drama giving you insight into the perfect mental and emotional response.

Here’s an excerpt from her book of a conversation between Nancy (denoted as “me”) and her son (denoted as “teen”) related to college selection:

Me: What about Texas?

Teen: I don’t think I can go anywhere where they speak with southern accents.

Me: But you have a Pittsburgh accent. This really isn’t the place to start throwing stones.

Me: (after deep breath) What about Ohio? There are so many great schools in Ohio.

Teen: I’m not going anywhere that borders our state.

Me: (rough calculations look like he’s eliminated five additional states and Ontario; I am determined to figure this out) And why is that?

Teen: It just doesn’t feel right.

Or this conversation related to college visits:

Son: I’ve seen enough, let’s go.

Parent: But we haven’t even parked the car yet.

Son: You don’t think I can tell already? I DON’T like it here.

Parent: But we’re finally here. Let’s get out and look around.

Son: Nope. You go ahead if you want to. I’m just gonna wait here.

Zing! Every parent can relate to these types of conversations from their college-bound teens and Nancy knows how to get you through them with a little humor and a dose of common sense coping tactics.

After reading this review, I know that you MUST have your own copy and here’s your chance to win one. Nancy has donated a copy for me to give away to one parent and here’s what you will need to do to be eligible for the drawing:

1. Leave a comment here with your name and email address; then…
2. Go to my Facebook Fan page and leave a comment on my wall telling me why you NEED Nancy’s book.

On February 8th, one lucky parent will win a copy of College Bound and Gagged to peruse its content and learn all they need to know about surviving the college admissions process.

Good luck!

What do you do when that ill-fated letter arrives? How do you handle your feelings? How do you handle your student’s feelings? How to turn lemons into lemonade?

When the letter arrives

When the letter arrives and is opened you may want to try and spin it into a positive. Resist that temptation. It’s upsetting to both you and your student. Allow some time to display the emotions related to the disappointment and the feelings of rejection. It’s only natural to feel them and it certainly hasn’t been the first or the last time your student will be disappointed.

Your feelings

Parents take these letters personally. How dare they reject MY child! Our disappointment can often overshadow the feelings our student has. Be careful and don’t project your disappointment on to your student. He/she feels bad enough already; the last thing they need to feel is that they disappointed their parents by not getting accepted.

Your student’s feelings

Every student reacts differently. Some might shrug it off (to your surprise) and others might see this as the end of their world as they know it. The hardest part of this whole college process is dealing with disappointment and rejection. All the truisms in the world won’t help at this moment. Hold them, hug them, and let them know that you feel their pain. Don’t spout off truisms like “it will be ok” or “you don’t want to go there if they don’t want you.” Your student needs the time to deal with their disappointment and move on.

Embrace the life lesson

Once the time has passed and your student is able to be objective, use this as a life lesson. Remind them that there is a place for them and that there is a college where they will feel wanted and accepted. Point out that life is filled with disappointments that often turn into opportunities and you never know what lies ahead on the path you might not have originally chosen.

Every child faces disappointment and rejection throughout their life and a parent’s goal should be to help them face those hurtful times with love and perspective.

Learning Opportunities

1. Spend the break reading—It may not be on your list of “fun activities” (unless you are a bookworm) but reading will a)improve your vocabulary, b)enhance your knowledge of the world around them, and c)increase your reading comprehension ability.
2. Do some SAT practice tests or bone up on vocabulary—In just a few minutes a day you can add to your SAT vocabulary and in just an afternoon you can take a practice test to get a feel for the SAT and discover your strengths and weaknesses.
3. Work ahead—Even though you’re on break, there are future assignments looming ahead and now is your chance to work ahead and start the next semester with an edge.
4. Watch the History Channel or the National Geographic Channel—You might be surprised at how much you will learn watching these channels. If you want to veg out on the couch in front of the television, at least choose some educational programming.
5. Check out iTunes University—iTunes University is an excellent way for you to get an idea of what college courses might be like. It’s free and there is a wide array of subject matter to choose from. You can access it on your iPhone, iPad or iTouch or by downloading iTunes on your computer.

One thing high school students can’t afford to do waste is time. Those valuable minutes (even during holiday breaks) can add up to invaluable opportunities.

Working Opportunities

Visit my colleague Wendy David-Gaines’ blog (POCSMom) for the last five activities (6-10) your high school student can do over their holiday break.

Wendy was a (POCSmom) Parent of a College Student and was once a pre-POCSmom as well. She likes to help parents de-stress during the college process and has written a book of stories and anecdotes to help parents see the lighter side of college.

Math in preschool

Is 6th grade the key to ending the dropout crisis?

The Forgotten Middle (A College Readiness Report)

While I don’t advocate pressuring students in grade school about college or applying undue stress related to college preparation, there are some things that parents can do to assure their students are prepared when the college decision-making time roles around. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Encourage your student to read, read and read–a strong vocabulary that you can only get from reading will benefit them throughout high school and into college; not to mention it will help with SAT/ACT testing and essay preparation.
2. Make sure your school’s math and science programs are up-to-par and that your student participates with a strong concentration in both subjects–these courses are crucial to your student’s critical thinking ability and their success with challenging college curriculum.
3. Teach your student to set goals and follow steps to attain them–if you start early, you are preparing your student to be successful in high school, college and in life.
4. Before entering high school, have a talk with your teen about the importance of grades and academic success over the next four years–their grades are more than just letters on a piece of paper; they will determine how colleges view them and the amount of merit aid they receive. Strong academic performance = admission and scholarships.
5. Help your student find his passion–a non-academic activity/hobby/interest to pursue, grow and excel throughout school and beyond. This is fun, social and ego-building, and colleges want to see this, too. (Thanks to Wendy at POCSMom for this additional tip!)

These may sound like simple or even obvious suggestions, but these few suggestions, if followed, can put your student on the path to college readiness and even college success. Positive proactive parenting can play a huge role in the college admissions process.

Question: When do parents start the college prep process?

1. Ideally you should start talking to your student about the value of an education when they start school and amp it up in middle school.
2. 9th grade students should pay close attention to course selection enrolling in AP honors classes, math and science.
3. 9th graders should also start looking for that ONE extracurricular activity to concentrate on in high school.

Question: What do you see as the parent’s role in the college prep process?

1. Parents should let the student “drive the car” but go along as a passenger/guide
2. Parents can help with organization and gentle reminders regarding deadlines
3. Parents need to be there for advice, support and questions but don’t take control of the process

Question: What online tools do you recommend for comparing colleges side-by-side?

1. I love Zinch because you can create a profile, compare colleges and get matched w/colleges and scholarships http://www.zinch.com
2. You can use the College Board’s tool to compare colleges as well http://collegesearch.collegeboard.com/search/index.jsp
3. Some more sites are: http://www.collegeview.com/index.jsp & http://www.collegexpress.com/ & http://www.cappex.com & http://www.collegeconfidential.com

Question: What online tools do you recommend for test prep?

1. For vocabulary prep, @sheldonwordnerd has the BEST online tool available http://www.word-nerd.com
2. Practice tests are imperative so take advantage of them online here http://sat.collegeboard.org/practice & http://www.number2.com/ & http://www.actstudent.org/testprep/index.html
3. Read their blogs & follow on Twitter: @elizabethonline @akilbello @sheldonwordnerd @preppedpolished @PWNtheSAT @staceyhowelott 

Question: What online tools do you recommend for financial aid?

1. The definitive site for financial aid info is http://www.finaid.org/
2. Of course ALL parents should complete the FAFSA http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/ to qualify for financial aid
3. Saving for College provides parents with all the info about financial aid http://www.savingforcollege.com/ & lets you compare savings plans

Question: What online resources do you recommend for college visit preparation?

1. Visit college websites and look for video tours and information related to each individual college
2. @collegevisit has all the tools you need to plan, organize and prepare for college visits http://www.smartcollegevisit.com
3. Before the visit you can check out @YOUniversity ’s virtual college tours and even hear from students  http://www.youniversitytv.com/

Question: What online tools do you recommend to help with the essay?

1. @vcollegeadvisor has some great essay tips via video http://www.youtube.com/user/PreCollegeCoach#p/a/u/0/Ago6tIEnL0g
2. @collegebasics offers some good tips on different essay topics http://www.collegebasics.com/applying-to-college/admissions-essays/
3. @butwait provides a pocket essay editor of 13 tips https://docs.google.com/present/view?id=ah89knd3kmzc_469cq94ghdq
4. If you’re looking for some actual student essay examples, look here http://www.teenink.com/college_guide/college_essays/

Question: Where do you find information about individual college statistics?

1. I like College Navigator because it’s easy to view statistics and compare  http://nces.ed.gov/collegenavigator/ 
2. Another great resource for statistics and more is CollegeData http://www.collegedata.com/
3. The College Board also offers a tool to research college information http://collegesearch.collegeboard.com/search/index.jsp

Question: What information can you share about the Net Price Calculator?

1. The net price calculators were mandated to help parents and students estimate the actual cost of college BEFORE applying
2. Not all calculators are created equal; use them as a tool but don’t expect 100% accuracy on cost estimates
3. Colleges are required to have them on their sites but they are often hard to find; you might have to do some digging

Question: How can parents be assured they are getting EXPERT advice about college and not just being scammed?

1. I wrote a blog recently about this topic http://www.parentscountdowntocollegecoach.com/2011/11/07/parents-beware-its-a-jungle-out-there/
2. Some key points: investigate all claims using Google; ask about them using social media; are they associated w/other experts?
3. Don’t believe claims unless backed up with facts and if it’s too good to be true, it usually is

I would also like to add another great resource for parents, especially because it’s another parent going through the process with her kids and blogging about it:

Dr. Strange College : How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Journey

If you don’t want to reach for the glasses, here is the text of his statement:

I am a college senior, about to graduate completely debt free. I pay for all of my living expenses by working 30+ hours a week making barely above minimum wage. I chose a moderately priced in-state, public university. I started saving money for school at age 17. I got decent grades in high school and received two scholarships which cover 90% of my tuition. I currently have a 3.8 GPA. I live comfortably in a cheap apartment, knowing I can’t have everything I want. I don’t eat out every day, or even once a month. I have no credit card, new car, iPad or smart phone–and I’m perfect OK with that. If I did have debt, I would NOT blame Wall Street or the government for my own bad decisions. I live below my means to continue saving for the future. I expect nothing to be handed to me, and will continue to work my a** off for everything I have. That’s how it’s supposed to work. I am NOT the 99% and whether or not you are is YOUR decision.

At some point, we ALL have to claim responsibility for our actions. If you want your student to become an independent responsible adult, teach him that all actions have consequences and that he always has a choice. That is how to succeed in parenting responsible students.

One admissions officer was asked this question and responded using social media (Twitter). Do you think this was from one of those “helicopter” parents?

I would bet that some admissions representatives regret the day that parents found them on Twitter and Facebook. Now they can ask the questions they have been dying to ask, even at the dismay of some of the college representatives.

For colleges and students, social media can be a two-edged sword in many respects. It gives colleges the opportunity to connect with a larger applicant pool and share their message to a vast number of prospective students. But it also allows the parents of those applicants to interact and insert their questions into the process. Social media allows students to connect directly one-on-one with college representatives and current students. But it also means that students need to be more vigilant about their online persona because the colleges are watching.

If you would like to see how two colleges are using social media to reach students, follow the links below:

Hofstra University

Cornell College

If your student is applying to one of these colleges or any other colleges with a social media presence, let them make the connections themselves. Don’t be one of those parents who make admissions officers run for cover. Encourage your student to search for each college’s social media page and pursue those connections on their own. Let them, as one admissions representative once told me, “drive the car”.

But the bigger question is—are you prepared to shoulder the expenses that a college diploma entails? If you already have a plan and a separate fund ready for action, then there’s nothing for you to worry about. However, if you’re the kind of parent who has put off college planning until the last minute, you have to decide on a plan as quickly as possible so you can discuss it with your child.

College is a major decision that you and your child will have to tackle seriously. It entails great financial resources, the tenacity to stay on despite the rigorous academic requirements and emotional support from one another.

It is never bad to aim for high goals, but make sure that you and your child have realistic expectations given the scarcity of financial aid programs and the difficulties of being admitted to the top educational institutions in the country. He can’t study at an expensive school if you can’t afford it and scholarships don’t always fill in the gaps. You can’t force him to take a particular course if he doesn’t have even an ounce of interest in the subject matter.

Deciding about what to do for college is something that you and your child should mutually make. Here is some food for thought as you sit down and talk about college with your child:

1. Consider your child’s career: the course that your child wants to take will be the single biggest factor in determining where he will go for college, how much you will have to spend for it and how he will prepare for the admission exams. There are courses that will allow him to graduate and get a job in three years’ time, but there are also other career paths that can take as long as a decade to finish. Be sure that you both understand the complexities and difficulties of getting into the school and applying for financial aid, provided you are qualified for it.
2. Talk about your financial resources. Your child has to know if he will need to look for work to earn extra cash to augment your financial contribution even before he is packed off to the dormitory. Learning financial independence is certainly a good thing, but not at the expense of his academic standing. Some students need time to adjust to their new environment before they can take additional responsibilities like a job, so don’t expect your child to be able to work and study at the same time immediately. Be realistic about what you can and cannot do for your child in terms of financial support so that he can also make plans and contributions on his own.
3. Help your child to prepare for the admission exams. Be generous with your words of encouragement and advice as your child reviews for the college entrance tests. Nothing prepares your child better for college than a solid educational foundation. Help him brush up on the most critical subjects that will impact his chances of getting into his college of choice the most, such as English, Math, Science, History and Computer Science. Let him know that you are with him every step of the way.
4. Do your homework. If your child already knows what course he wants to take, it’s up to you now to help him choose the best college or university. This will help you prepare not just for the admission exams but also for the actual costs that you will incur once he is accepted for enrolment. Your expenses will vary from institution to institution, so you should be careful to note the differences and the options that are available to you. After all, you will have to pay not just tuition fees but also dormitory fees, living allowance, medical costs, etc. Learning about the different colleges and universities that offer the best programs for your child can help you plan ahead and structure your finances accordingly.
5. Check out financial aid options. Knowing about the various colleges that your child can attend will help you gather important information about financial aid and scholarship requirements that can help ease the burden of sending your child to college. There are different types of programs that can look into, such as work-study plans, merit-based financial aid, need-based financial aid and federal financial assistance. Go over each option with your child and solicit his ideas on the matter so you can both come up with a mutually sound decision.

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When not out building relationships with other bloggers, Krisca Te can be found reading blogs that tackle how to save money. She is also a personal finance freak who is currently working with CCF, a personal finance blog that writes about financial literacy.

Courtesy of: OnlineSchools.com